During my pregnancy with Daniel – after finding out about Down syndrome – I was pretty apprehensive about almost everything. One of the things that was right up there on the top of my list was holding him for the first time. I desperately wanted to hold him and get the pregnancy over with. But I was worried that his birth would be a completely different experience from my other kids’ births. I worried that I wouldn’t enjoy his birth – that Down syndrome would overshadow everything. I worried about how I would feel the first time I saw him and the first time I held him. I am ashamed to even admit to what I felt (especially now that I’m on this side of things), but I know what I was feeling was a normal part of processing everything that comes with an outcome different that what you were expecting.
Daniel’s birth was a different experience from my other kids’ births, but in a wonderfully positive and peaceful way. I felt such a strong feeling of love and protection for him. I was almost surprised at the depth and strength of the emotions I felt. I was in “mama bear” mode without even being provoked. There was never a moment of sadness, except for when he was away from me while they checked his heart. I felt like I was coming apart at the seams when I had to let him out of my sight. I could not put him down. I couldn’t bear to. He was such a beautiful, perfect, captivating little soul, and with his first breath I was completely hooked.
I am so thankful for the way things played out throughout my pregnancy. Finding out about Down syndrome – without really finding out – at my 20-week ultrasound was, in retrospect, the most wonderful tender mercy my Heavenly Father could have given me. I had time to get my ducks in a row and work out my emotions without having a diagnosis. I got to come to terms with everything on my time. And by the time Daniel arrived, I had no regrets. I surely couldn’t have orchestrated anything as wonderful as that.
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